Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Down time (explanation and apology)

I've been having a lot of down time lately. I'm not referring to the kind of down time where I kick back and relax. I'm referring to the kind of down time where the psychological illness that I've been struggling with all my life rears up especially strong and makes me doubt my fitness to exist in human society.

One sign that I'm going through a relatively rough time is that my ability to communicate effectively with other human beings (both in person and electronically) drops further - and I'm not exactly a master communicator even at the best of times. When I do "communicate" with people online at times like these, it's often to argue and contradict. So, I end up doing what I did here - that is, getting into an argument for the sake of getting into an argument. I must apologize for that. I still don't entirely agree with the people that I was arguing with, but I overstated my case just to irritate people, which is the kind of thing that I should have stopped doing quite a few years ago when I became an adult.

I should have posted this days ago, but writing about this even briefly is not an easy thing for me to do, and I unfortunately treated it like I treat a lot of emotionally unpleasant things - I avoid and procrastinate as long as possible.


Digger said...

I hope you feel better soon. How's your garden doing?

RPS77 said...

Thank you. The garden is doing fine - no deer ate the tulips this year, so they actually have flowers for the first time in about 3 years! I need to find the time to spread another 10 bags of mulch, though.

Clio Bluestocking said...

I hope you are feeling better, too. I know that place. It isn't a pleasant place.

Those flowers are gorgeous! Sometimes, they help.

Digger said...

I liked the photos, too!

Re: That Place. I also know it. I'm learning that it is better to reach out/go out than to crawl in/under; that what seems most threatening is actually healing. YMMV, of course, but you're certainly not alone.

RPS77 said...

Digger, Clio - Thank you for your good wishes and most of all for your understanding. Just communicating with other people who know something about the "bad places" of the mind through their own painful experiences, and who can understand without condemning, is tremendously encouraging for me. Thank you so much.